Time for God

"O good, now I have time to devote to God."

I hate those words. Hate them. They're mine. Every time the end of the semester rolls around they spill out of my mouth.

I really believe I'm missing out. This last paper was particularly brutal for me - the mental and emotional blocks I've built up around the writing process flamed in full force. But it has made me feel a little more keenly the cold, hard edge of my life: the frailty of my life and my own potential to consume myself. There's a harsh light that shines on me, the weight of my own self-destruction. Am I being dramatic? Not really.

A few songs have been running through my head these past few days: Captivate Us by Watermark, What do I know about Holy by Addison Road, Before the Cross by Sovereign Grace ministries. And the words in these songs thrust before me the disparity of how I'm living (truly) and the call that is on my life, how God calls me to live.

I am starting to honestly think that if I don't change my day to day approach to life, that eventually I will stand before that awesome throne - before all the glory of my God, the Living One, whose eyes are like flaming fire, whose mouth is a double-edged sword and whose voice is the sound of many rushing waters - and we will both know just how much I've wasted "it." I will have missed out on immense joy and passion and purpose (and suffering and sorrow) in this life, and I will be utterly ashamed and disappointed.

When I look at myself honestly, I see that I am neither consumed by a passion for God's glory nor empowered by the life of Christ in me; I am consumed by myself and weakened by my repeated attempts to do this life-thing myself. Even when I cry over those I love, when I pray for His grace in the lives of those around me, so much of it is motivated by fear. I feel bad for people and I fear what will happen to them. And God, God teeters dangerously near a crevice called "to blame," and sometimes I push the image I've constructed of Him down there.

But what does it feel like and look like to want to see His grace in the world so that His glory would be magnified? That people would know that all-sufficient, all-satisfying grace of the infinitely glorious One and in doing so, declare His worthiness above all else? For Jesus' sake? For Himself?

I know what I have to do. I'm just afraid to do it.

How can I just chose to be totally honest with people about who He is? How can I just chose to trust Him regardless, and actively give up the passions I'm giving myself to - school, money, friends, self-image, respect, comfort, happiness? How can I?

Oh, but I need, need, need to. My time is shriveling up without Him. I'm dying without Him. I need to die with Him.